Friday, August 6, 2010

from The Big Book of Bad Ideas

Have you got a plastic squeeze-bottle that you've recycled, filling it with something else after its original contents were gone? Take it with you everywhere you go one day and show it to everyone you meet -- and I do mean everyone: family, friends, co-workers, passersby. Tell everyone how great you think your squeeze-bottle is, but don't tell them what you do with it now; instead, say, "It's my friend!"

Do you have a friend with whom you'd like to be more than just friends, but you don't know how to take that next step? (I mean a human friend, of course, not that squeeze-bottle! Ha-ha-ha!) Here's what you do: in your next face-to-face conversation, interrupt every one of his or her sentences with a very loud and high-pitched screech. If you're not already good at screeching, practice at home first, with all of your windows open. If one brief screech, a second long or less, is enough to make your throat sore for half a day or more, you're on the right track! Cupid's on his way!

Does your boss have an office of his or her own with a receptionist? Get two pounds or more of greasy fried chicken. If you don't know of a restaurant that makes it greasy, fry it yourself, and don't drain it! With the chicken in a box or bag under your arm, barge past your boss' receptionist and into his or her office, dump all of the chicken onto his or her desk, shout every rude and insulting thing you can think of about your boss, and punctuate the shouts with the sort of screeches we discussed in the last paragraph, and when you can't think of anything else to shout, tickle your boss vigorously in the belly and sides and under his or her armpits. This will show him or her that you're a bold and original thinker with a lot of great ideas! Next bonus time will be a happy time for you, my friend!

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