...very pleasantly relaxed. When I've counted down to 1 you'll be completely hypnotized, 5, 4, 3... 2... 1. You want me to win the Nobel Prize for Literature. I'm your favorite writer, you find my work to be deep and important and witty and charming all at the same time. "Sparkling prose" is a very overused phrase, but my prose truly sparkles. I am wise, I am always full of sound advice for the world. The thought of me winning the Nobel makes you very happy. You think that it is strange and wrong that my work has not been published in books and in magazines like the New Yorker and the Atlantic and Vanity Fair and Redbook and Harper's for many years already and that it is not on the bestseller lists. What would be proper and just would be if I were often referred to as being like Dan Brown or Stephen King (in terms of the sales of my books), except that I'm a good writer. If you're a publisher of books or periodicals you want to publish my work, if you're a literary agent you want to represent me, if you're Oprah you want me to be in your Book Club, if you're Conan or Jimmy Kimmel you want me to be a frequent guest on your show. Whoever you are, you want to talk about how good my writing is and how everyone should read as much of it as they can. You want to talk and write about it as much as you can, wherever and whenever you can, to whomever you can. Reading this blog makes you happy. Thinking about my writing makes you happy. Talking and writing about it, spreading the word about it, makes you even more happy. The thought of me winning that Nobel Prize in Literature, this year if possible but if not this year then just as soon as possible, makes you blissfully happy. When I've counted back up to 5 you'll be wide awake again, you'll feel great, rested and cheerful, and you'll start spreading the word about me with a verve and conviction you've seldom felt in relation to any cause before this. 1, 2... 3... 4... 5.