How to Fix Basketball

Anyone who compares basketball to chess is an idiot , but especially if they're talking about the last few minutes -- on the clock -- of a close game, when everything slows down and becomes excruciatingly boring, completely unlike chess. 

We can all agree that it's getting worse: the first 46 of the game clock's 48 minutes might be over in an hour and a half, but those last 2 minutes could take another half hour. 

And if we don't stand up and cry, "Enough!" it could soon be an hour, or longer.

And unlike those prima-dona egocentric head coaches who think they're like chess players, and are making this last part of the game longer and longer -- unlike them, most of us actually have stuff to do after the game. Other than those coaches and a few particularly silly fans, nobody finds these long, slow exchanges of time outs and fouls left to give, and wasting as much time as possible at every turn, exciting! Time outs are allowed to go on for much longer than they're supposed to. and when was the last time you saw a so-called "thirty second timeout' which was over in 30 seconds? 

But it's not just that: every time the clock stops, late in a close game, these bonehead coaches who have never cared about anything or anyone other than themselves, abuse the opportunity and stretch it into a non-timeout timeout: when there's a possession change. Between free throws. During a substitution. Any and every time they can, they abuse the situation to inflict a little bit more of their time-wasting supposed wisdom on their long-suffering players and fans and the officials. 

I say, during the last part of any basketball game -- maybe the last 2 minutes on the clock, maybe the last 5 minutes -- there should be no more time-outs. and no more non-timeout timeouts. Let the game clock roll after a basket is scored, just like early in the game. Also, don't stop the clock during substitutions. If a player takes too long to get on or off of the court during a substution, that's a technical.

And, the final brilliant nail in the coffin of this "game of chess" which is boring us all to death: every foul is a 2-shot technical foul, and the fouled team gets or retains possession of the ball. The only time the clock would stop would be for a foul. The coaches could still have their short non-timeout timeouts during these technical fouls, but not too long: put a 5-second limit on each shot. Exceed that limit and you forfeit all remaining free throws and the other team gets 2.

If a coach is ejected from the game, give him 5 seconds to get his precious prima-donna ass off of the court. Not 5 seconds to start moving off the court, but 5 seconds to get out of our sight, or it's an additional 2-shot technical. 10 seconds and we can still see or hear him? 2 2-shot technicals, 3 fouls for a 15-second delay, etc, etc. One more technical for coaching after being ejected. One delicious aspect of this rule would be that some of them still wouldn't be able to stop themselves from staying on the court and ranting and screaming like the spoiled little tittybabies they are.

An extra 2 shots for flagrant fouls. Etc, etc.

Why, the players would actually have to decide close games by actually playing basketball, with a strong incentive to play it clean and foul-free. 

You know what's already exciting because there already are no timeouts? CHESS!!