Sunday, December 18, 2016

Making America Great Again

"When I was a little kid, maybe five years old, in the old country, my mother used to say to me, she'd warn me, she'd say, 'Don't get too close to people. You'll catch their dreams...' Years later, I realized I misunderstood her. 'Germs', she said, not 'dreams.' 'You'll catch their germs'... I want you to know something, Tucker. I went into business with you for one reason -- to make money. That's all. How was I to know -- [choked-up sniff] -- if I got too close, I'd catch your dreams?" -- Alexander the Great, to Julius "Tucker" Caesar, July 4th, 1789, at the Battle of Waterloo.

And that's how we got Thanksgiving: from great Frenchmen like Alexander and Caesar.

"God damn your eyes. In 22 seconds I could break your fucking spine. In 22 seconds, I could pinch your head off like a fucking insect and spit it all over the fucking pavement. In 22 seconds, I could put 22 bullets inside your ridiculous gut. What I seem unable to do in 22 seconds is to keep you from fucking up my film!" -- From Jennifer Lawrence's unforgettable acceptance speech for the Oscar for Best Film Editing for Gone With the Wind, October 19, 1987.

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing. Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i' the earth? And smelt so? pah! To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why may not imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander, till he find it stopping a bung-hole? No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither with modesty enough, and likelihood to lead it: as thus: Alexander died, Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is earth; of earth we make loam; and why of that loam, whereto he was converted, might they not stop a beer-barrel? Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay, Might stop a hole to keep the wind away: O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe, Should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw! But soft! but soft! here comes the king." -- From Donald Trump's Inauguration speech, April 1, 1492.

"Chubby, chunky, blobbo, slobbo, Fat Bastard, Michelin Man, Stay Puft, Chumbawumba, It is Balloon!, Papa Grande, Augustus Gloop, beached whale, big boned, Wisconsin Skinny, butterball, dump truck, jelly belly, pudgy wudgy, lard ass, blubberino, Buddha belly, Hurry eat Tubman, one ton soup, Blob Saget, Chub hub, Calvin Cool whip, Manfred Mannboobs, 21 Lump Street, Walking 'Before' Picture, fatso, Harvey Milk Chocolate, Obese Want Cannoli, Mahatma Gumbo, Salvador Deli, Elmer Pantry, KFC and the Sponge Cake Band, Snackie Oneassis, The Foody Blues, Hoagie Carmichael and wide load." -- General Patton addressing the troops before the invasion of Normandy, September 16, 1378.

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