Monday, February 8, 2016

None Of This Has Happened Yet

But of course it could start happening at any moment: I might notice that I have a flurry of new e-mails. Each one of them might inform me of one of a flurry of donations to my blog. I might look at the blog statistics and see a huge number of them for today and wonder Hmm, I wonder how that happened?

And then I see that my name is among a list of trending topics somewhere. Curious, I click on it and see that a distinguished member of the literati has discovered my blog, loved it and given it a rave review under the headline "YES HE KAN HAZ NOBEL!!!" The emails start pouring in, notifying me of more donations, but also emails from people who know me, but also some emails from people who don't know me, how did they get my email address? Suddenly many many comments are awaiting moderation on my blog, some of them from literary agents who want to be my agent. Some of the emails from people who don't know me yet are also from agents. The New Yorker wants to publish a lot of my blog posts. Book publishers want to publish collections of my posts, they're not waiting until I have an agent to get in touch, and now they've also started to hear that I've completed 2 novels and started some more and they're definitely interested in all of those.

I turn on the TV and see still photographs of my big ugly mug on CNN and MSNBC. And speaking of the news, here they come, there are several TV-news vans parked right outside. It's a narrow street and the news vans are starting to block it. I go outside and plead with the journalists to have some compassion for my neighbors who ordinarily drive on a regular basis. The news vans don't budge. Then I have the idea to give 10-minute exclusives to 1 reporter at a time, if the reporters promise to go away right after the exclusive and stay away for a week. So now there are interviews with me all over TV and the Internet -- and it works, after a little while my neighbors can actually drive past my house again.

A week later I'm no longer living at the same place, but at a hotel which very kindly offers to keep the press out for me, though it snarls their traffic now.

A week after that I'm living in an apartment in lower Manhattan, and in NYC they're used to celebs so I'm not being mobbed as much.

This could all start happening at any time. Any moment now...

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