Tuesday, June 14, 2016

If I Were Hillary, This Is What I'd Say To Bernie

"Okay, Bernie, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is, we keep heaping you with praise, and moving closer and closer to your positions, and in return you campaign for me. And by 'campaign for me," what I mean, basically, is: you start singing 'Happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy, joy, joy!" right now, tonight, and you don't stop singing until late election night, after the polls have closed in Hawaii and Guam.

"The hard way is, we keep moving closer and closer to your positions, and heaping everyone with praise who has moved from campaigning for you to campaigning for me, and we don't exactly call out any of the die-hards, we don't really talk about the die-hards very much at all, we just let them make themselves look more and more unreasonable and insane, by the contrast they make with those who actually do think I'm a better choice than Donald.

"Did you hear about that protest in Massachusets against Elizabeth for endorsing me? Everybody wore all black to symbolize how any faith they had ever had in Elizabeth had died? People with a lot of time on their hands, who also all happened to have all-black outfits. I couldn't dress black head-to-toe without going shopping first, could you? Anyway, my point was, there were about 10 or 12 people at that protest.

"So: do you want to be a die-hard, or do you want to start singing 'Happy, happy, joy joy'?"

Okay: maybe it's a good thing for Hillary that I'm not Hillary. But you know that at some point, either Bernie will get the %$&# on board, or Hillary will do what she has to do and get on with it, and stop just taking slap after slap from Bernie with a big smile on her face.

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