I'm Stupid, And I Want Help!

I don't have much to say -- why doesn't anybody believe that?! I'm pretty much in the dark. I don't know all that much. I don't know what I can help you out with. I don't know anything I can tell you now. I've got 7 guides to Germany and Austria here in front of me now, plus a map, that's all I can tell you. There's a green Michelin guide to West Germany and Berlin, from the mid-80's, and one to Austria and the Bavarian Alps, that one's from 1969. They're both in English. Then there's 2 Baedeckers in English from the 1980's, one for Cologne and the other for the Rhine.

The rest are in German. 2 Baedecker Autoresiefuehrers, Oesterreich, 1958, and Deutschland, 1960. Then a Baedecker Rheinlande from 1909. That just leaves the map. It's a Berlin Falkplan. I got it when I was in Berlin in 2004. It's got all of the folds. The folds confuse me. The map is hard for me to use -- because I'm stupid! And I'm not even in Europe! I just look at these maps and guides and pretend I'm there! What do you want from me?!

I didn't know life was going to be like this -- one thing after the other, on and on. People negotiate tough and deals close fast and sometimes, years later, I figure out what happened in front of my eyes, and in the meantime stuff has kept on going on, constantly, so even though I someone eventually figure out what some people were talking about, I still just get farther and farther behind.

The movies said there was something in it for me. Something on my own.

My own! Did you ever stop to consider that maybe I'd just rather you sent me off to to this, to do that, take care of some Micky Mouse dogwalking job! Send me to pick somebody up at the airport! That sort of thing maybe I could've handled! I know, I know, I screwed up that one pet-sitting job, and I'm really sorry. Those dogs deserved better. I just wasn't up to the task, it overwhelmed me.

Mom would've liked for me to've become an accountant. That the way she wanted it. But it ain't the way I wanted it! I can't handle things! I can't even get the damn squirrels out of my own crawlspaces! I'm dumb -- not like everyone says, like... smart! I'm DUMB, and I want help!

Tell you about the investigation?! What investigation?! There's an investigation?! See, this is what I'm trying to tell you, this is what happens when people think I'm smart, and they can leave me in charge of things and everything will be fine! How many times do I have to screw up before people realize that just because I ace some IQ test, it doesn't mean... anything! At all!

I've been looking for the Alexanderplatz on this Berlin Falkplan map for three days, and I just found it now, and I'm fluent in German! This is what I'm trying to tell you! I need help! What I just said a minute ago, about how people should send me to pick up someone at the airport -- no! No! I was just bragging! Don't give me a job like that, I'll screw it up! And like I said, with the pet sitting -- I screwed it up! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!