* Let's hear Ted Cruz out!
* The author of Eat Pray Love should write a book about kittens called Eat Poop Play Pounce Sleep Purr.
* Hollywood's next James Bond should be... Helen Mirren! She can do anything! (Good idea: Hollywood's next James Bond should actually be either Lucy Liu or Jennifer Garner.)
* Turn away from the skid, just to see what happens.
* Sell everything you have, hock what you can't sell, and bet all the money on Jacksonville turning it around and winning Super Bowl XLVIII.
* It's time to give up on wind power and get serious about coal. Also, this whole "hybrid car" idea? It'll never work.
* Eat bacon every day, and avoid green vegetables and other foods which are green. They are a mind-control device used by the Green Party! Did you think it was a COINCIDENCE that so many vegans are always going on and on about wind power and solar power and yada yada yada?
* The teaching of "the arts," English, foreign languages, history, science, math, philosophy (apart from that contained within Christian theology) and civics must be halted in our public schools, because research has shown that education in those subjects breeds Communists. As far as private schools are concerned, they should get a certificate of approval from the Southern Baptist Convention or be shut down altogether.
* Horses must wear pants! No discussion! No discussion! Fountain Inn, South Carolina caved much too easily on this one!
* Smokers, take a stand! Anti-smoking regulations are just the thin edge of the wedge of tyranny. And besides, all those alleged "negative effects" have never been proven! Never! Shut up! Smoke everywhere you can, but especially concentrate on doing it wherever oxygen tanks are in use. You'll find a lot of smokers and ex-smokers there. Enjoy.
Showing posts with label bad ideas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad ideas. Show all posts
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Friday, August 6, 2010
from The Big Book of Bad Ideas
Have you got a plastic squeeze-bottle that you've recycled, filling it with something else after its original contents were gone? Take it with you everywhere you go one day and show it to everyone you meet -- and I do mean everyone: family, friends, co-workers, passersby. Tell everyone how great you think your squeeze-bottle is, but don't tell them what you do with it now; instead, say, "It's my friend!"
Do you have a friend with whom you'd like to be more than just friends, but you don't know how to take that next step? (I mean a human friend, of course, not that squeeze-bottle! Ha-ha-ha!) Here's what you do: in your next face-to-face conversation, interrupt every one of his or her sentences with a very loud and high-pitched screech. If you're not already good at screeching, practice at home first, with all of your windows open. If one brief screech, a second long or less, is enough to make your throat sore for half a day or more, you're on the right track! Cupid's on his way!
Does your boss have an office of his or her own with a receptionist? Get two pounds or more of greasy fried chicken. If you don't know of a restaurant that makes it greasy, fry it yourself, and don't drain it! With the chicken in a box or bag under your arm, barge past your boss' receptionist and into his or her office, dump all of the chicken onto his or her desk, shout every rude and insulting thing you can think of about your boss, and punctuate the shouts with the sort of screeches we discussed in the last paragraph, and when you can't think of anything else to shout, tickle your boss vigorously in the belly and sides and under his or her armpits. This will show him or her that you're a bold and original thinker with a lot of great ideas! Next bonus time will be a happy time for you, my friend!
Do you have a friend with whom you'd like to be more than just friends, but you don't know how to take that next step? (I mean a human friend, of course, not that squeeze-bottle! Ha-ha-ha!) Here's what you do: in your next face-to-face conversation, interrupt every one of his or her sentences with a very loud and high-pitched screech. If you're not already good at screeching, practice at home first, with all of your windows open. If one brief screech, a second long or less, is enough to make your throat sore for half a day or more, you're on the right track! Cupid's on his way!
Does your boss have an office of his or her own with a receptionist? Get two pounds or more of greasy fried chicken. If you don't know of a restaurant that makes it greasy, fry it yourself, and don't drain it! With the chicken in a box or bag under your arm, barge past your boss' receptionist and into his or her office, dump all of the chicken onto his or her desk, shout every rude and insulting thing you can think of about your boss, and punctuate the shouts with the sort of screeches we discussed in the last paragraph, and when you can't think of anything else to shout, tickle your boss vigorously in the belly and sides and under his or her armpits. This will show him or her that you're a bold and original thinker with a lot of great ideas! Next bonus time will be a happy time for you, my friend!
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