Dream Log: Top Apps For Celebrities Only

Last night's dream was strange on several levels. For one thing, it had to do with some celebrities, such as Jessica Simpson, about whom I rarely think except to wonder why they're celebrities. Some people might say about Jessica Simpson that, talented or not, she's gorgeous. The thing is that, to me, she's not even particularly interesting-looking. I can understand when someone who's not particularly talented is a superstar if I think they're gorgeous, like, for instance, Raquel Welch in the 1970's,

but then there are others where I just don't get it. And last night's dream was about celebrities about whom I just don't get it. In fact, they are celebrities who are so uninteresting to me that I can't even remember, now that I'm awake, who they are, other than Jessica Simpson. There were about a half dozen of them, both genders, most, I guess about as old as Ms Simpson (39 years old) and with careers which peaked about the same time as hers (late 1990's and early 2000's).

Another thing which was strange about the dream is that I was acting like a celebrity-hater, which I'm not. I've never been able to understand why people go to the trouble of commenting that this or that celebrity, in their opinion, is hideous is some way or another. For example, above, I gave my opinion that Jessica Simpson is not gorgeous. I only said that to try to express how strange I found it that I was dreaming about her, and not because I think anybody has the slightest reason to care that I don't find her to be gorgeous, Jessica Simpson herself least of all, among other reasons because, of course, many people DO think she's absolutely gorgeous.

Anyway -- in this dream, I was wasting my time intensely disliking Jessica Simpson and some other celebrities for some reason or reasons I can't fathom now that I'm awake. And in this dream, there was a certain kind of app which was offered only to celebrities. Billionaires couldn't buy these apps, unless they had managed to make themselves into celebrities as well as billionaires, like -- Mark Cuban. These apps would transform the celebrities in some way. It was sort of like plastic surgery without the wait and the physical pain. There were lists of these celebrity apps on websites: for each celebrity associated with the apps program, there was a list of apps, each one with a picture of the celebrity showing what the app did.

And what exactly the apps did, is not clear to me. I mentioned plastic surgery because it's the closest real-world example I can think of. All that's clear about these apps is that they were exclusive, and that a wide public was envious of the celebs for having the apps -- envy of celebrities: there's another thing, liking hating celebrities, which I can't understand -- and that the celebrities were sort of addicted to the apps. A lot of celebrities steered clear of this sort of thing the way they steered clear of alcohol or recreational drugs.

For some reason, I was put in charge of the apps having to do with these half-dozen or so celebrities. And with gleeful hatred, I discontinued some of the apps which had been offered to Jessica Simpson and the half-dozen others. When I made the changes in the apps, the pictures in the online lists of apps, instead of simply disappearing, changed into other pictures of the celebs.

Jessica Simpson got very angry at me and complained, publicly, wearing a long, tight sequined dress, with an elaborate hairdo with her hair piled up high and with strands of diamonds holding her hair in place. It was not clear whether she was physically near me and we both were being filmed at the same time, or if we were communicating with some sort of Internet video-phone setup, like Skype except more elaborate. Either way, we were top news on shows like "Entertainment Tonight," which showed video of her complaining in the sequined dress with the elaborate hairdo, and me sitting at my computer and smirking like the weasel and jerk I was acting like.

I just want to say that, in real waking life, I have absolutely no reason to even say something mean to Jessica Simpson, and that my behavior in this dream seems very unlike myself. The apps seem like something (some completely fictional thing) which might have been dangerous, but to take them away from someone out of sheer spite is really completely unlike me.

I DON'T Think Our Culture Lets Celebrities Get Away With A Lot --

-- *shielding myself from the pelted rocks and garbage* -- that's right, that's what I said. I'm used to idiots getting happy every time they hear about a celebrity getting arrested, and assuming they have every right to know the salary of every professional athlete in the US, and not thinking about how convenient that is for the owners of professional sports teams, and related parasites like shoe companies and college and high school athletic departments. The way most fans fixate on the money being made by the athletes, without whom, of course, sports would not exist, very conveniently prevents them from even wondering how much money the team owners and the other parasites make. Great scam for the parasites. They don't have their financials in the headlines. Would you like it if your salary were published as if the public had a right to know what it was? I'm used to people who haven't spent a half-hour on their feet or eaten six ounces of vegetables in the past month, and who therefore look like Jabba the Hut, nastily mocking the looks of, oh, say, Scarlett Johansson or Matthew McConaughey. I'm used to loathesome little worms who have absolutely no sympathy for people who literally cannot step outside without being swarmed by the press, and who literally can't throw anything away without some creeps pawing through it -- I'm used to all of that. I don't like any of it but I'm used to it. But this screed about supposed privileges of celebrity by a certain Rev. Galen Guengerich, rife with leering fantasies of celebrity appetites and allusion to Greek tragedy, took even jaded me aback. Dixit Guengerich:

"this tendency to excuse libertine excesses by talented people inverts our moral hierarchy"

What?! Did I just slip into a time warp to the 1890's? Demon rum, "libertine excesses" and "our" moral hierarchy? Really? Rev Guengrich, you Unitarian member of the Council on Foreign Relations you, why don't you ask Robert Downey, Jr, to name one celebrity you didn't, just how this "buying your way out of trouble by being famous" thing works. (I realize you probably won't ask him, not F2F anyway, but if you do, and you're not frail or particularly small, I hope he punches you in the face!) (And it's very selfish of me to wish that, because if he punched you, Downey, with his long criminal record, would probably serve 30 days or more.) To name a celebrity you did name, why don't you ask Roman Polanski about the things he's gotten away with, the next time he's in NYC. Oh, that's right -- he hasn't been in the States since 1977, and probably won't be coming back soon, because the cops here still have a hard-on for him. To name two more people you named, why don't you ask Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Winehouse about the stuff they got away with -- oh, that's right, you can't, can you. You could ask Lindsey Lohan, who went from being crazily adored to pathologically hated in such a short time that it makes me worry for Jennifer Lawrence, how being a big shot made her impervious to anorexia -- no, wait, don't ask her that. She almost died from anorexia.

But you're right, of course: only showbiz stars abuse alcohol and other dangerous drugs, molest children, starve themselves and crash their cars. No, wait, that's not right at all. It's gibberish. Everything you're saying is gibberish. "We" don't have a "moral hierarchy," you and I. We have two very different ways of regarding morality. And we're only two people. And the 3rd-to-last sentence of your screed is so garbled that I don't know whether you're condemning American Hustle and Wolf of Wall Street as "glorification of exercises in excess," or praising them because their "excess" is "somehow redeemed or shown to be destructive." Do you? In any case, it's great to see that someone is on the case, that someone has not allowed himself to be distracted by things like real violence and racism and climate catastrophe with attendant famine, and instead is zeroing in on the true danger of our time: naughty movies. And don't you worry about a thing for yourself personally, you're going to be just fine: if those gigs with the Unitarian Church and the Council on Foreign Relations don't work out, there will still be many a street corner in Knoxville and Atlanta and Topeka and Boise where you will be able to thump a Bible and fit right in.

Things To Say To People Who Say They Think Celebrities Are Ugly

* "The TMZ Website is THATaway, Pardner!"

* "Just one time I would love to see one picture of one of you creeps who are always trashing celebrities, cause I bet not one of you on your very best day could pose for a glam shot by the most talented photographer in the world which would look anywhere near as good as any of these candid shots of celebrities on the worst day of their life when some lowlife scum papparazzo catches them -- No! That was rhetorical! I didn't mean it! I don't want to see a picture of you! NO-ONE WANTS TO SEE A PICTURE OF YOU! Please! Put the picture away! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Taste the commenter, and remark: "Hmm. Bitter!"